Dear Dad, about this war
by the psycho sour skittle
Summary: I love the Dear Dad episodes...so here is one of my own DISCONTINUED
1. Dear Dad

A/N: Yay for another story! Sorry I haven't posted. I have lots of started stories, but none of them finished. Ducks away from rotten fruit thrown by readers. Okay, on with the chapter!

Dear Dad…about this war…

"Captain Pierce!" A shrill voice shattered the peace in the Swamp as a certain ruffled major came bursting into the tent the doctors shared. The man in question sighed and turned from his dad's latest letter to deal with the irate major. "Frank, unless you want your Bible glued together, I'd suggest that you turn down the shrillness of your voice. One would think that a woman would accompany your shriek." He smirked at Frank as he opened and closed his mouth. "And I'd stay away from water, Ferret face. Cuz right now, you resemble 'fish face.'"

"Oh, go fish!" With that, Frank stormed out of the tent, whining to Margaret.

Hawkeye rolled his eyes and continued reading his letter. As usual, his dad updated him on all the latest happenings in Crabapple Cove. With a smile, he folded the letter and placed it on the chest beside his bed. Grabbing his notebook, he leaned back, contemplating what to write.

"Dear Dad." Not a bad start, he thought with a chuckle. He shook his head and continued. "How goes life in Maine? Life here just goes, or in some cases, flies by without a glance. Or just has flies. At any rate, right now we are in a lull. No patients coming in or out. The last patient we had was the farmer down the road's sick cow, and that was three days ago." He was interrupted by another noise outside the Swamp. With a frown, he went to investigate. He was greeted by who he _thought_ was a mummy, but knew in fact that it was Klinger.

"Oooohh!" Mummy Klinger moaned, while stumbling around like a zombie. "Oooooohh! Where am I? Where is King Tut? I must serve his dinner!" The corporal was covered with toilet paper. Hawkeye put on a serious face. "Excuse me, Mr. Mummy. King Tut is dead, and has been dead for a number of centuries now. Might I help you find a new King to serve, perhaps a certain Colonel Potter? I hear that he is a really great ruler." Mummy Klinger seemed to ponder this then moaned to the amused Captain. "Take me to your leader!" He proclaimed, following Hawk to the Colonel's office.

Just as the pair entered Radar's office, Radar came bursting in. "Klinger! You used up 10 rolls of our toilet paper! Now I'm gonna hafta requisition more!" The ruffled company clerk glared at Hawkeye as a burst of laughter exploded from him, and sat heavily in his seat to make the call. "Go figure! The time Klinger decides that using toilet paper for his Section 8 attempts is the time the Army decides that we don't need enough toilet paper!"

Hawkeye was leaning against the wall for support as he gasped for breath. "C'mon, Klinger. Let's go find Pharaoh Potter!" The pair walked into Potter's office. The colonel was sitting at his desk, bent over a stack of papers. Hawkeye knocked on the desk. "Excuse me, your royal Pharaohness, but it appears that you are missing a mummy." Klinger pushed ahead of Hawkeye. "Oh great Pharaoh!" He knelt and bowed low to the ground. "My tomb is a wreck. Grave robbers, sire! My family, I must go to them, make sure that they are alright." Potter rolled his eyes and gave Hawkeye the stare that said '_and you brought him in here why?'_ Hawkeye just grinned and mouthed. _He's yours! Take him away from me!_ With another grin, he walked out of the office, hearing Potter's response to Klinger. "Horse Hockey! Get back to work, corporal!" With a chuckle, Hawkeye walked back to the Swamp.

"That was Klinger, Dad. You should see some of his attempts to get out of the army. Why, just today he…" With a laugh, the son began to write about Klinger's exploits. He was just starting page two when a shriek sounded. Jumping up and running out of the tent, he looked out just in time to see Frank fleeing from a fuming Margaret who was yelling and throwing his boots at the fleeing major. "Get away from me, you creep! You lipless wonder!"

Hawkeye was joined by BJ who was laughing hysterically. "Can you believe those two?" BJ asked, laughing again when he heard Frank whine "But honey bear…!" before shrieking again and diving into the swamp. "Never a boring day, is there Beej?" The man in question shook his head. "Nope, never Hawk." The two swamp rats walked back into the swamp and sat down on their respective bunks. "So, what did you do this time, Frank?" Hawkeye grinned at the angry major. "None of your beeswax!" Frank stormed out of the tent, this time in the direction of the mess tent.

Hawk picked up his letter to his dad again. "Have I told you about Frank yet, Dad? Boy oh boy, does he provide some entertainment for us!"

_To be continued…eventually…when I have time…but it will be updated!_


	2. Food, or is it?

Dear Dad…about this war…

Chapter 2- we want food!

"Well, Dad, there isn't much more I can say but good bye and I love you. I'll wait a bit to send this just in case something exciting happens today." With that, Hawkeye folded the letter and stuck it in his pocket. He looked at his watch and sighed. Reaching out, he poked BJ. "Hey, Beej." The man in questioned looked up and squinted at Hawkeye. "What do you want, Hawk?" Hawkeye grimaced. "Its time for lunch." The mound on the cot groaned. "You woke me up to tell me that its suicide time?" With another groan, the younger doctor pulled himself out of bed and pulled his boots on.

It was a peaceful day in the mess tent. Well, almost peaceful anyway. Igor was serving up lunch for the unit, and as usual, the comments about the quality of the food sounded through the line. "Igor, what is this?" Hawkeye asked, pointing his fork at the unidentifiable lump Igor had served him. "Its dinner roast, Captain. Would you like some vegetables?" The cook pointed at the lumpy green mass with the serving spoon. "No thanks, Igor. I'm not in the mood to commit suicide." A disgusted Hawkeye commented. BJ gave a wiry grin and agreed. "Thanks for trying, Igor." The pair of doctors sat down with their trays.

"Here's an idea, Beej. We crate up our food, and send it to the North Koreans. They'll be so sick, that they'll just give up and tell us that we can all go home." Hawkeye was poking at a lump on his tray cautiously. BJ scowled at his tray. "I think my dinner roast just moved. Yup, there it goes again." He shoved the tray to the middle of the table. Potter shook his head. "No, Pierce. If we send it to the North Koreans, they'll just use it for a counterattack." Hawkeye was about to respond when Frank butted in. "You ninny's! And colonel. If we send our food to the Commies, then what will we have to eat? Why would you send food to the Red's, you communist sympathizer!"

Hawkeye just looked at Frank. "Gee, I don't know, Frank. Maybe we'll eat real food if we send ours to the North Koreans. As for sending food to the 'Red's', they need to eat just as we do. We'll just give them our trash." Frank snorted. Hawkeye continued. "And as for me being a communist sympathizer, just because I care about human life, doesn't make me a communist." Frank just scoffed. "They can starve for all I care! They're commies, and I'll prove that you are one too!" Hawkeye glared at the major. "Why don't you go and polish your bible, Frank. Before I decide to glue it." Frank stormed out of the mess hall, yelling over his shoulder. "I'll get you, Pierce! Just you wait." The major pushed pass the people walking in and stomped his way to the latrine.

Margaret was walking in and just rolled her eyes. "What did you way to him, Pierce?" Hawkeye just shook his head. He took out his pen and began to write. "Guess what, dad? Something exciting did happen! Frank is trying, once again, to prove that I am a communist sympathizer, if not a communist. Another topic dad, the food here. Is there any way that you can send some food that is NOT surplus? We have food that was rejected in World War I." BJ interrupted the letter. "Why not have your dad send us some food so we can have a party? You know, cake mix, corn on the cob, steak, that sort of stuff. The 4th of July is in a couple of months. Maybe if he sends it now, it'll get here by then."

Hawkeye grinned. "Hey! Good idea! Whaddya say, Colonel?" The colonel pondered the thought for a moment, then smiled. "Why not, Pierce. Go ahead and have your father send over some food. Oh, and make sure he sends party favors!" Hawkeye grinned and bent over the paper again. "You know that the 4th of July is coming up in a couple of months, Dad. Maybe you could send us…" With a smile, Hawkeye finished the letter. The doctor gleefully laughed. "We're gonna have a party, Beej!"


	3. Communists and idiots

A/N: Oops…forgot about the disclaimer. I don't own MASH, and I don't make any money from it. I wish that I did, but I don't. I'll forever remain poor. Continuing on with the story.

Chapter Three: Communists and idiots

"Captain Pierce! Hey, Hawkeye!" Radar's voice drifted through the doctor's sleep fogged brain. "C'mon, Hawk, wake up!" Hawkeye slowly woke to Radar shaking him. "Huh, what is it Radar?" He squinted his eyes. "It's still dark, why are you waking a dead man?" Radar looked nervous. "I gotta talk to you, its urgent!" The company clerk practically dressed the captain and proceeded to drag him to the office. Hawkeye sat down in Radar's chair and yawned. "What do you need, Radar?"

Radar had begun pacing. "I'm not supposed to tell you, but I don't want you in trouble." This made Hawkeye wake up a bit more. "Go on, Radar." Radar's eyes darted quickly around the room. He leaned towards the captain and whispered. "Colonel Flagg is on his way. He's going to be here to try and prove that you are a communist." Hawkeye just laughed. "Radar, he's done that before and he failed. And he'll keep trying and keep failing. Why is this so important? It's gotta be something else." He looked carefully at the corporal. "What else is there, Radar?"

Radar sighed. "He's here because someone phoned him with supposed proof that you are a communist." At the doctor's narrowed eyes, Radar continued. "Frank called him and…" Hawkeye jumped up, interrupting him. "Frank called him? And told him what? That I wanted to send our food to where it belongs, hell? Don't worry, Radar. Flagg can't do anything without solid proof." Radar sighed. "He has all the solid proof he needs." Hawkeye just stared at the paper Radar held out, and then burst out laughing. "_That_ is the proof? My fifth grade report on communism?" He cleared his throat and began reading in an announcer's voice.

"Communism is a form of government that is not democracy. We have democracy. Russia has communism. So does China. While communism is bad, the people affected by it are not." He stopped here. "Radar, all this is is an explanation of what I thought communism was back in fifth grade. If he thinks that this is proof, than he's dumber than I thought. I'm going back to bed, Radar. Wake me if it's important. Like if the war ends." Hawkeye turned to go. "Wait, Hawk. Your dad called too. He said that the package is on its way." Hawk grinned at the corporal. "Thanks, Radar. Good night."

The next morning was bright and sunny, with no casualty's expected. BJ, Hawkeye, and Frank were going through the breakfast line, and both BJ and Hawkeye were thinking that Frank seemed a little more cheery than usual. "What happened, Frank? Did the Chinese finally see things your way? Are they going to all convert to hot dogs, baseball, the 'American Way', and an early death?" Frank just smirked. "Hardy har. Boy, you aren't going to be full of smiles and jokes by the end of the day. Just you wait." Frank took his tray and sat down next to Margaret, only to have her slap him and walk away to a different table.

BJ and Hawkeye sat down with Margaret. Hawkeye grinned at Margaret. "So, Major, why the slap in the face? Not that I minded, I'm sure he deserved it." Hawkeye sniffed at his food. "Yech. Why do they insist on giving us the same food that they served in 1943!" Potter brought his food tray over to the table. "Mind if I join you?" A chorus of scattered "not at all colonel" filled the air. "Thanks people." Colonel Potter sat down, dug into his food, and nearly spit it back out. "Sufferin' saddle soap! This is the same stuff they served me back in '43! What did the army do, run out of newer food?"

Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret all shared a glance then burst out laughing. "Oh, by the way, Major. What did you say to Frank? He was muttering to himself about how his darling muffin slapped him, and how she was going to feel sorry for it later." Potter pointed his knife in the direction of the swamp, where Frank had escaped to. "Oh, he said some snide, rude comment yesterday, and then had the gall to repeat it today." She shook her head. "Frank needs to have a reality check. Last time that I checked, I wasn't a muffin!" Laughter exploded again. Potter was the first to sober up. "Uh, oh. Pierce, better run for the hills." He nodded towards the door of the mess tent. Just as Pierce was turning around to look, a voice boomed out. "Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce, you are under arrest for being a communist sympathizer."

Mwahahahahahahaha! I leave you now with a cliffy. Who is it? Has Frank finally flipped his lid? Stay tuned for more!


	4. Why are idiots allowed in the army?

Okay…fine…so I didn't leave you that long without knowing who it is…I don't know when I'll get internet again, so here's the next chapter.

Chapter 4: Why are idiots allowed in the army?

Hawkeye just laughed. "Colonel Flagg, what proof do you have?" The colonel held out an arrest warrant. "No, I don't mean the warrant, I mean the proof to _have_ the warrant." Colonel Potter stood up. "That's what I would like to know, Flagg." Flagg pointed a finger at Potter. "Don't stand up, or I'll have you arrested for trying to protect a commie. Pierce is under arrest, and there is nothing you can do about it." Potter folded his hands behind his back. "Oh there's nothing I can do about it? I have to be notified before one of my doctors can be taken away. And ICOR hasn't called me to tell me that he's leaving. Nor that you were coming. Technically, I can have the MP's take you away because you are here without my leave. Now leave, before I get angry."

Flagg shook his head. "Not without Pierce. He's a commie symp and I can prove it." He held out the proof. Potter looked at Pierce, who was flanked by two reluctant MP's. The doctor shrugged. "Why not, you have the right. And so do I." He leaned in to read it only to be yanked on by Flagg. "Prisoner's aren't allowed to see the evidence."

Potter began to read out loud. "Communism is a form of government that is not democracy." He paused. "What is this, a dictionary?" Hawkeye grinned. "No, Colonel, what you hold there is my fifth grade report on communism. Everyone in the class had to write one, which apparently, Flaggy here didn't look into. His proof that I'm a sympathizer is from fifth grade." Flagg pulled the paper from Potter's hands. "It was enough to get you arrested." The smile on Flagg's face was twisted. "Lets go, Pierce." The captain threw Potter a frantic _help me_ look. Potter just gave Pierce a wink that said _it'll work out, I have a plan_.

Forcing Pierce into the jeep, Flagg smiled a victorious smile. "Say your goodbyes to former Captain Pierce. You won't see him again." BJ stood beside the jeep. "Well, so long Hawk. Hope it goes well." BJ gave a subtle wink, which made Hawk somewhat suspicious of what was going on. _A joke, this must be a joke. _The MP driving started up the Jeep. Just as the jeep was pulling out, another jeep pulled in, stopping Flagg taking Pierce. It was General Hammond, with a brigade of MP's.

Announcing so that all of Korea could hear him, the General spoke. "Colonel Flagg, you are hereby arrested for fraud, the unauthorized arrest of Pierce, and the aiding of the enemy in capturing Hill 49." Flagg's mouth was moving without sound before he got a word out. "What about the proof of his arrest?" The general laughed. "That essay was great, wasn't it? I had it conveniently sent to you from an "unknown" source." Potter broke in. "Which was Pierce's father who still had this essay. " Hawkeye burst out laughing. "So, I'm not arrested?" The general also laughed. "No, Pierce. Even if he had succeeded in taking you down to my office, the important people knew about the plan to arrest Flagg." He motioned to the colonel who had been handcuffed to the jeep. "I'll get you still, Pierce!"

The general shook his head. "Not likely, Flagg. You won't be out for 10 years or so. By that time, maybe this war will be over." Hawkeye rolled his eyes. "Or so we hope." He looked around. "Hey, where is Frank?" BJ mimicked his friend. "And Margaret?" The group turned around at a loud shriek. "But honey bear! The general's out there!" The crowed gathered laughed as an angry Margaret dragged out a dripping, towel covered, embarrassed Frank. He cowered when he saw Flagg glaring at him. "Oh, Colonel. I didn't know you were here." He gave a nervous laugh. The general shook his hand. "Thank you, Major Burns. You helped arrest this man, even if you didn't realize it. However…" The general slapped a pair of handcuff's on Frank. "You're coming with me. You are under arrest for assisting a criminal. You might even lose you're rank if the hearing decides on it."

The general drove off with the MP's following. The MASH 4077 group all started cheering when the jeep carrying Frank disappeared around the corner. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret all laughed and hugged each other. Looping their arm's around each other, they headed towards the officer's club for a celibately drink. Potter followed. Before they entered the club, the colonel pulled them aside. "Folks, since Burns is gone, we're getting a replacement. However, since the army is so intelligent, they don't know who yet. Just wanted to prepare you all for it. Now, lets go drink and celebrate!" The four cheered as they entered the officer's club.

A/N: yay! Frank is gone! Join us next time I have internet connection for the next chapter.


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